PokéMans!
by Traban16
Summary: The boys are at it again, but this time in a BIG WAY! Now they have to figure out just how to approach the daunting task of having ACTUAL Pokémon in their grasp. That is, if SOMEONE doesn't screw things up even further. Yeah, they're all looking at you, Cartman...
1. Gotta Catch 'Em, R-Tard!

**Summary: The boys are at it again, but this time in a BIG way. Now they have a few extra additions to their crew as they try to figure out just how to approach having actual Pokémon in their grasp. That is, if SOMEONE doesn't screw things up even further. Yeah, we're all looking at you, Cartman.**

_**I'll do a different Character Profile at the end of every few chapters in the future. The Profile will include: Name, Rank, Pokémon Type, Pokémon in Party, and other fun facts about the Character.**_

_**DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU ALL THINK!**_

_**ENJOY!**_

**Chapter 1: Gotta Catch 'Em, R-Tard!**

* * *

Kenny was sitting in Cartman's house eating Cheesy Poofs and watching television just as peaceably as a human being could while in the company of one Eric Cartman.

The shocking part, you may ask? Well, Kenny was honestly enjoying himself. It was quiet, it was peaceful, and it was something to do.

It would be a lie to call Kenny McCormick disillusioned with life. To be disillusioned with life, you had to first been inspired with or revered life. Kenny had never been under any illusion when it came to life.

He was born at home, in his parents' filthy bedroom, dirt poor, stifled and cursed. Ever since he'd been aware of the world, he'd been aware of the unfairness of it all. How unfair it was that he was always cold, yet his classmates always warm. How unfair it was that he was never full, yet his classmates never hungry. How unfair it was that he didn't get pocket change, yet his retard classmates had freaking collage funds.

It was unfair, plain and simple.

Yet, he knew life wasn't fair. Despite what some might think because of his dirt poor background, Kenneth McCormick was the furthest thing from stupid. He read books when he had them from the library, and was quite street smart. The unfairness of life? He was used to it. All he could do was forgive it— or at least accept it— and get the fuck over it.

Yet throughout his barely teenage life, Kenny was fast becoming aware of what he perceived as the greatest unfairness of all.

He became aware of Stanley Marsh and Kyle Broflovski.

It was unfair that Kyle was so cleaver, the cleverest in their class. It was unfair that Stan was so kind, the kindest guy Kenny had ever known. It was unfair Kyle was so sharp, so quick-tongued and sarcastic. It was unfair Stan was so moral, so just, so obsessed with making things _fair_. It was unfair that Kyle's temper was volcanic, that his anger was explosive, his presence so dramatic. It was unfair the way Stan was growing out to look like a professional athlete even though he pretty much hated sports. It was unfair that Kyle was so beautiful, so porcelain, so regal and, well— so goddamn _fluffy_!

But all that unfairness could be forgiven. Because Kyle was Kyle, and Stan was Stan. By the two simply existing, they made Kenny's life seem a little more fair then it was, like perhaps everything would be okay. Like perhaps it had been worth getting out of bed this morning after all…

Then those buttholes had to go to Stan's house for a "super best friends' only" Saturday morning of watching cartoons while shucking he— the great and sexy Kenny McCormick— off to Cartman's until they met up later to plan an adventure for the day.

That, Kenny thought, was unforgivably unfair.

It was just another day in South Park to Cartman. Officer Barbrady was still a dumbass dips hit who was not doing his job. Mr. Mackey was saying M'kay after three whole years and would probably still be iterating the stupid phrase until his dying breath. And Kenny, the poor piece of crap, had come begging to his— the great and totally sweet-bodied Cartman— house for the warmth, food, and television programming his poor as shit family couldn't hope to provide in their lifetime.

"Goddamnit, Cartman, don't talk about my family!" Kenny snarled, glaring icy daggers at the fat boy when Cartman ended his opening scene.

Cartman sat back on his couch, eating the third bag of Cheesy Poofs as they watched Saturday morning cartoons. Now you may wonder why he was watching cartoons with the poor piece of crap. Well, him, being the infinitely nice person he was, had allowed Kenny into his home—

"No you didn't, your mom answered the door while your fat ass was too lazy to get up from the couch." Kenny interrupted again.

"God-Dammit! Kenny, shut the fuck up or I'll kick you square in the nuts!" Cartman shouted back as Kenny and he glared at one another. Kenny didn't say anything again, but crossed his arms. Cartman was right about one thing. His house had central heating, a fully stocked refrigerator, and television with more than the news and a Spanish soap opera playing every hour or so.

"Now where was I…" Cartman pondered while tapping his chin, "Oh right!" snapping his fingers, Cartman went on to think more shit about Kenny and how poor he and his entire family were out in the ghetto.

"Cartman—" the parka wearing boy growled at the tub of lard.

"And yo momma cried," Cartman sang, "Because if there was one last thing that they would need, it'd be another dirt poor baby mouth to feed. In the ghetto… in the ghetto!"

And Kenny pounced on him then, fists meeting fat stomach and arms while the larger boy wailed for his mommy.

Kenny grabbed Cartman by the collar and hoisted him up so they were starring eye to eye, "Cartman, I swear to God that if you say one more thing about me or my family, I will fucking killing you."

"Jesus Christ, Kenny's gonna bat-shit crazy!" Cartman yelled, looking around for assistance.

"Just shut the fuck up! I'm sick of you always ragging on me and my family." Kenny shook the fatter teen a few times for good measure, "Just remember, without me around, you'd be the poorest piece of crap in this town." and with his peace spoken, Kenny promptly dropped the now terrified Cartman and sat back in his spot on the other side of the couch.

"Remote, bitch." Kenny held out his hand, and Cartman said nothing as he passed over control of the TV.

Flipping through channels was an unfamiliar experience for Kenny. He did not hang out at his friends' houses a lot, and even when they did stay indoors, it would always be Kyle or Cartman who picked the programming they'd watch. Stan never seemed to have an opinion anymore and Kenny was always just happy for a change from the news or Spanish soap operas.

"Oh, awesome! Pokémon is on! I haven't seen this in forever!" Kenny felt a spark of the few happy childhood memories he had welling up inside him. Memories from before he realized it was wrong for him to hang out at his friends houses and impose upon their lives everyday just because his parents chose to remain poor, ignorant and drunk all hours of the day and night.

"Uck, Pokémon cartoons are _so_ 1998, Kenny," Cartman groaned in complaint, sliding a few inches down the couch, "The drawings are retarded, the plots are shit, and no one makes fun of Jews on there. The games are much better."

"Yeah? Well I like both, so go fuck yourself." Kenny shot back while turning the volume up on Cartman's television.

"You poor piece of crap, the only reason you know anything about the games is because Stan just had to be a major pussy and use his paper route so he could buy you the games and systems so you could keep up with us and everyone at school and not be the only one without Pokémon. Hate that asswipe Stan…" Cartman grumbled while Kenny slugged him in the arm.

"For your information, it was Butters that bought me the Gameboys and Nintendo DS. That's when Stan fought out I didn't have anything and he got me the games." Kenny corrected his retard friend, "Then Kyle spent some of his savings to get me some games for Stan's old PS2 and Xbox."

"I seriously hate those guys… Seriously," Cartman sulked as he slid down further into the couch.

Kenny ignored Cartman this time, turning back to Cartoon Network as the latest English-dubbed episode of Pokémon started to air.

"Kenny, don't be a bitch with sand in the vagina," Cartman said, covering his ears as Kenny began to sing along to the new theme song. Hearing enough of his horrible attempts to keep up with and sing a song he was only just hearing and seeing for the first time, Cartman got up from the couch for the first time that morning. He walked into the hallway closet and grabbed his plastic bat.

"On the road, far from home. You don't have to feel alone! Brave and strong, together we will be! Its' OUR DESTINY! We can be HEROES! We can save the world if we tried! I'll go where YOU go! Forever friends, YOU AND— OW! HOLY SHIT! CARTMAN, YOU ASSHOLE!" right in the middle of his signing, Cartman had hit Kenny in the back of the head with the little plastic baseball bat he got out of the closet. Kenny leapt off the back of the couch, and proceeded to beat the shit out of Cartman, who proceed to then scream and cry for his mother's aid.

* * *

_Ding-Dong_!

"Who do you think that is?" Kyle asked as Stan got up to open the door.

Now being a few years older and going through the fucking painful experience known only as a "growth spurt", Stan was the tallest of the group. Kenny was only a few inches smaller while Cartman and Kyle were just about the same height, a fact which neither found too pleasant. And though he never worked out a day in his life, Stan had what others referred to as a lean athletic build. Girls were now giggling at him on the streets and mothers were always commenting on his startlingly cerulean blue eyes and dark raven hair. He and his friends found the whole experience all the more strange when the moms did it while licking their lips and gazing at the clean-cut handsome young teen with hungry eyes. Stan, much like the other kids in South Park, never changed his wardrobe much with the weather either being just perfect for a sunny day of basketball or the right temperature for freezing balls off. Though ever now in then his parents would sign him up for a sport, where he'd have to trade in his trademark red poof-ball hat for a baseball cap, or his brown jacket for a sports coat. Even still he wore blue jeans and black sneakers. If anyone gave him crap, he just took a leaf out of Craig's playbook and flipped them off.

Kyle turned away from the television to watch who would be at the door. Over the last few years, Stan's personality became rather cool and confident in comparison to the cynical and depressive one from back when he was diagnosed with _Ass_perger's Syndrome. Kyle had once questioned the change, and the answer Stan gave him was a little fucking weird.

"_Dude, fuck that. Its too fucking pathetic. I felt like one of those Goth kids again, and then Butters called me a punk bitch for giving up on life or something. Screw that, I'm just gonna look on the bright side of the shit, ya know_."

After that, no one said anything about Stan's being back from the brink. It was so much better to see the leader of their group smiling again while knifing people on _Call of Duty_. Hell even Wendy was glad to have the old Stan back as they had resumed their turbulent relationship immediately afterward, to which was now permanently in the off position since the last time they broke up.

"—_Oh yeah? Well maybe you're the reason I'm so fucked up in the head, you CRAZY BITCH_!"

Kenny had been rolling, Cartman was honestly impressed and Kyle was shocked to his core by the amount of anger and rage springing out of Stan when the dark haired boy and girl broke up publicly a couple of years ago after Stan found Wendy in the hallway smooching Token Black. Token and Stan were still cool, even then, but Wendy was still on then ice when it came to being around Stan for long durations of time.

Kyle on the other hand had seen his social life skyrocket in the last few years. Jewish camp was now seeing more kids for him to hang out with as a greater number of unsuspecting moron adults decided South Park was actually a peaceful little mountain town with absolutely no bats hit crazy problems whatever. Now during the summers Kyle got invited to parties, bar mitzvahs, and had a bunch of friends on Facebook to water his crops. Though a bunch of his new friends seemed initially disappointed whenever he brought Stan around with him to the events. However, that was all quickly turned around by the end of the parties. Kyle's other friends would be so enchanted by Stan that, by the end of the evening, they'd ask for Kyle's own super best friend to attend everything he could with Kyle.

"_Sure, dude! If Kyle wants to go, we'll be there_!" and Stan would smile his amazingly boyish smile, making the girls giggle and the boys think him a God amongst men.

If only Stan would share his secrets of being the poster boy for non-douche bag surfer dude, then Kyle would stop harping him for being so chill about everything these days.

Stan looked back at Kyle before opening the door, "Don't know. I wasn't expecting anybody. You?"

"No, I didn't invite anyone. I would have told you, dude!" Kyle and Stan were puzzled, but still Stan opened his front door.

It was a pissed-off Kenny and beaten-up Cartman, who was still holding his bloody nose.

"Hey Kenny." Stan greeted, then looked at Cartman, "Jesus Christ dude, the fuck happened to you?!"

Cartman cut a glare over at Kenny, who glared right back like a cornered animal, "I tripped on the way over…"

"Oh no, dude, don't let them in." Kyle said, snuggling into his warm blanket further on the floor in front of the couch. "This is why we couldn't invite you over Kenny. 'Cause then Cartman would come, and he'd piss one of us off, and then we'd have to kick his ass."

"Yeah dudes," Stan turned back to look at Kenny and Cartman. "My mom is still pretty pissed about the blood from last time we busted Cartman's nose. Sorry, you can't—"

Kenny was having none of that as he turned on heel, and slammed a fist into Cartman's face, propelling the fat boy back and out into the snow where he landed on his flat on his back.

"Jesus Christ, dude!" Stan exclaimed as Kenny stomped into the house.

"Bitches, we're watching Pokémon. Got it?!" Kenny roared, and Stan and Kyle quickly scrambled not to end up like Cartman.

The fat boy, however, was now outside shouting at the home while throwing snowballs because he couldn't find rocks with all the damn snow.

"Screw you guys! I'm going home! And, and- I'm gonna have Cheesy Poofs and Twinkies and Pokémon and my own super best friend and TV and wine coolers and a party which none of you assholes are invited to!" Cartman stomped angrily down the street, still ranting and raving about the other three boys he was forced to grow up with.

"Fucking Kenny and his fucking poor as shit Pokémon reams!" he turned back to yell out, "Pokémon's fucking gay, Kenny you poor piece o' shit! DO YOU HEAR ME?! POKÉMON IS GAY, KEE-KNEE!"

Growling at the snow which impeded his trek back home, Cartman kicked out and lashed at the white fluff of ice. "I'll show those assholes. I hate those guys. I hate them with every beet of my heart and every fiber of my soul. I seriously hate those guys. So seriously… Fucking Pokémon… Fucking Kenny… Make my own goddamn Pokémon… That'll show those black assholes. FUCKING HATE YOU GUYS!"

* * *

**So what do you guys think? Love it? Hate it? Want it to _ROT IN HELL_ for all eternity? Leave a REVIEW and let me know!**

**Oh, and if you have ideas for Pokémon the characters should have or would be funny, please LET ME KNOW! Preferably in a REVIEW or PM.**

**Bye, bye**

**-Traban16**


	2. Revenge of the Fatass

**Chapter 2: Gotta Catch 'Em, R-Tard!**

**Part Two - Revenge of the Fatass!**

* * *

The next day found the boys watching the news at Kyle's house. They had since replaced Cartman with Butters, who was all too pleased to be a major part of the group.

"…_**That's right Tom, tomorrow morning at eight o'clock, the doors to our local Dr. Mephesto's laboratory where he will reveal to the world his latest genetic discovery**_," the blond male reporter announced as the boys were now just a bit more interested in the news.

"I told you fellas there'd be something neat-o on the news. Th-The news is always chocked full of good stuff. Like apples!" Butters commented as the others mostly ignored him.

"_**And you say we're reporting this because we don't have any better stories, is that right Chad**_?" Tom, the news anchorman, asked from where he sat next to his sister, Tammy.

"_**Yes, Tom, you are correct. News has been rather slow today and some little fat boy ran up to me yesterday saying that we had better report this every showing today**_."

"_**Well that's just strange, Chad**_." Tammy asked as she leaned forward in her chair, "_**Just how fat did you say the boy was**_?"

"_**So fat, Tammy, that he was, in fact, one chin away from a Chinese phonebook**_."

"_**That's pretty darn fat, Chad**_." Tom nodded

"_**Damn fat indeed, Tom**_." Chad gave a nod, "_**He was so fat that his clothes looked to be on their Final Frontier**_."

"_**AY**_!"

"_**Here's comes little fatty pig right now, Tom and Tammy**_," Chad had the cameraman pan over to where Cartman was angrily coming over toward them… with a wooden baseball bat. "_**Isn't he just a little pit of pudding**_?"

"_**He sure is, Chad**_." Tammy agreed with a warm smile into the camera.

"_**Respect mah authoritah**_!" Cartman yelled before swinging the bat into Chad's knee caps and then into the camera, cutting the news feed.

"_**Well there you have it folks**_," Tom went on, just as happy as could be, "_**If you'd like to see Dr. Mephesto's discovery for yourself, he's currently located in his creepy as shit laboratory up in the mountains right now. So if you're a bunch of lazy kids with nothing better to do, then why don't you go on down**_."

Butters shut off the television, now super excited for whatever old Dr. Mephesto was cooking up there in his big science lab. And if it was something Cartman had to tell the news about, then it was sure to be really amazing.

"So wait, that's why Cartman wasn't home all day yesterday?" Kenny inquired with a quirk of his blond brow. "That fatass was hanging out with Mephesto?"

"I thought he hated Mephesto for lying to him about who his dad was?" Stan questioned.

"Oh boy, oh boy! It must be something pretty interesting to make Eric go the way up there!" Butters was practically shaking with anticipation. "Well come on, fellas! We gotta go see what good ol' Dr. Mephesto's made this time!"

Kyle and the others got off the couch with grumbles of irritation, though it was mostly Kyle doing the complaining. "Swear to God it better not be more animals with more asses than they're supposed to have…"

* * *

Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Butters made their way to Mephesto's place up the mountain outside of town. However, they were all aware that they were being followed.

"Uck, I don't know which is worst. The fact that we have to walk all the way out here in the freezing cold with snow falling, or the fact that I can practically feel Cartman's breathing as much as I can hear it."

"I more surprised he isn't hibernating this time of year," Kenny shrugged.

Kyle didn't respond. He just chewed his lip, gazing back at where Cartman was hiding behind a tree that was skinner than he was. Gazing back at the small town that was their South Park.

Even though it was a few minutes before noon, today was a steep of snowfall and overcast clouds. It was quite nice, really. The lights from the houses, the lit up Harbucks sign, the Whistlin' Willy's and Denny's logos. The patterns the streets made, the occasional cars winding round the unlit roads. It would have been a very standstill sight, one worth capturing for all of time. Sadly, Butters had left his camera and Stan had forgotten his sketchbook in favor of his Nintendo DS from all their talking and watching of Pokémon yesterday. The seemingly endless snowfall drifting down from the clouds made the town a hazy sight as they trudged onward up the old mountain road. The patchy shadows that occasionally blotted out the sunlight as it drifted lazily across the grey sky. Kyle would never call South Park beautiful. It still, after a few years, fucking crazy and looked the part, but from this distance, it looked like a enticing kind of crazy.

"You fellas shouldn't talk about poor Eric like that," the others rolled their eyes at the way Butters was so quick to defend anyone. It was sad how often Cartman used Butters and how Butters still stuck up for the asshole. "We-Well, he's probably cold back there, and hungry too."

"Trust me, Butters," Kenny began, slinging an arm over Butters' shoulder, "Ain't nothing ever hungry about Cartman. He has an appetite, but he's never in his life gone hungry. I think the difference between me and him is proof enough for that."

"Dude, shut up." Stan said, looking back at where Kenny and Butters were walking just a few steps behind him and Kyle, "You know you and your brothers and sister could come over to my house for every damn meal if you guys wanted."

"Yeah, Ken," Butters jumped in, "Well, my mom would be happy to see you fellas and Karen fed right."

"And you know my mom just loves stuffing you like turkey, dude." Kyle shrugged, "She keeps saying that frozen waffles and pop-tarts aren't meant for every meal."

"You told her!?" Kenny hissed.

"No, your mom cried about it to the other moms when she was _really_ drunk one day last week." Stan broke in to defend Kyle, "Face it, dude. You're the town's poster child for sympathy. Even Wendy is, like, three seconds from having your parents brought to court for child neglect."

"Well tell Wendy to keep her trap shut. No one's splitting my family up." Kenny spat fiercely, causing the others to give him varying looks of surprise. "What?"

"Fucking, r-tard…" Stan muttered with a shake of his head.

"We'd never let them separate you guys, Kenny!" Butters seemed horrified that Kenny even thought they would.

"Well we can't say 'never', Butters, because— OW! Dammit, Stan!" apparently Stan had slapped Kyle in the back of his head for trying to rip apart Butters still intact innocence.

For a second all was silent. The boys trekked onward up the road and were now able to see Mephesto's live-in laboratory through the dense overcast of snow and mist.

"So what do you think he'll have in there?" Kenny was the first to break the silence.

"Don't know, but it better not be—"

"Yeah, yeah. No more animals with asses." Stan rolled his eyes, "I'm sorry okay. I thought it was thoughtful and original."

"It was a hamster with four sets of asses, Stan!" Kyle threw his hands into the air, "I mean, Jesus Christ, dude! Next time just get me cash! Do you know how much crap you have to clean up after a hamster with four asses? The answer is a hell of a lot."

"Well I'm sorry. You only turn thirteen once in a lifetime. I thought you'd like it." Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. Ever since Kyle had the hamster, he had complained about the gift. When the four-assed hamster died, Kyle started complaining even more since his parents would never get him a replacement in fear of another crapping half as much like the hamster or the elephant did.

"Even Cartman wouldn't be interested in that." Kenny shook his head, "No, its probably something to do with him being related to Hitler or something."

"Oh, shit!" Stan jerked back and looked at the others, "You don't think he convinced Mephesto to revive Hitler, do you?"

The other three teens paled as the thought occurred to them.

Then they laughed.

"Yeah, right! Cartman would have already screwed that up all because Hitler would never respect his authoritah." Kyle laughed, but was still noticeably pale and shaky. Honestly, he had nightmares about that kind shit happening, and with them living in South Park with all the other crazy shit that occurred around them, no one would bat an eyelash at Hitler's death army rounding up the few Jewish families in all of town.

"Man, you look fucking scared, Ky." Stan, that bastard, was laughing at him. "Geez, we'd _never_ let Cartman revive Hitler and take you away. And I _mean_ never when I say it."

"… hate those guys," they heard from behind them, meaning that Cartman was still following them and could hear what they were saying.

"Okay, and I won't tell anyone how you were crying when your parents divorced for that weekend last year. Oops."

Stan, instead of killing him, laughed slightly at Kyle while pressing his fingertips to the bridge of his nose. Kenny and Butters gave the two Super-Best Friends strange looks. "You're never, ever going to let me live that down, are you? No matter what happens today, even if it were Hitler waiting up there for us, no matter how we end up, you will hold that over me until the day I die. Any time you're losing an argument, or in a bad mood, or embarrassed, you'll just remind me of the time I cried on your shoulder and called you a loser. Its like, shit, dude, only thirteen years old, and you already have your mothers guilt-trip shit down to a _tee_."

"Yup, and don't you forget it." Kyle countered with a smirk.

"Ugh, you're so _irritating_ sometimes. It's like I can nearly understand why Cartman enjoys pissing you off." Stan said, to which Kyle had the look of someone who had just been struck by a lamp or something. The fiery-haired Jewish boy wrinkled up his nose, and crossed his arms across his chest.

"Well if I'm that _fucking_ irritating, why are we super best friends? Huh, Stan? Well? Answer the fucking question!"

"Because you're… You're so damn _Kyle_, dude." Stan chuckled, as though he weren't merely seconds from Kyle exploding on him with Kenny and Butters playing witness to murder.

Kenny sometimes envied Stan's ability to be so calm and fluid, like the waters of Starks Pond. He just went with the flow and never seemed to out of place with whatever situation he was thrust into. It was only when things got hell out of control and when shit hit the fan did Stan ever show more stress than normal. Even when Stan did stress over something it was more like he was stressing out over a math test and not how the town was being destroyed by Barbara Streisand in front his very eyes.

"You're irritating and belligerent and more than a little brilliant. And I love you, dude." Stan spoke with the calm and clarity of someone who knew when the tides of the ocean would roll onto the beachfront. "There's no-one else like you in this whole town. On this whole fucking planet._ In the history of time EVER_, dude. If I was like Cartman, and you hated me all of a sudden… I think I'd die. Christ, I'd die from missing you. Like, a lot, dude. You might fuck me up from messing with you like this, but I would fuck myself up way worse without you."

"That… Stan, that…" Kyle's face was a visage of shock and surprise. Kenny and Butters were not much better because no one had expected such an honest omission out of Stan. Then Kyle's face fell into a deadpan expression, "That was, _flat out_, the _GAYEST_ thing I've ever heard someone say out loud. I mean, dude, grow some balls!"

Kyle pushed past Stan to continue up the road. Stan only laughed as he followed after the fierce Jew.

"Stan," Kenny called out as he and Butters jogged to catch up, "I've always thought you were kind of a major pussy, but… Well…"

"Me and Ken think you've just proven us wrong," Butters spoke up, "You're really a _super-MASSIVE_ pussy."

Stan, for some unfathomable reason Kenny couldn't comprehend, only smiled his brilliantly boyish smile at them, "Thanks guys."

"Anytime, bro." Kenny said with a small smirk, lightly slugging Stan in the arm.

* * *

Arriving at the front of the complex, the four quickly slipped pass the broken front gate and continued on their way to the front door.

"We're here." Stan mumbled as they all suddenly felt nervous about what they could encounter in the madhouse that was the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch.

Lightning flashed over Mephesto's lab, just like it always did whenever they came around. When they finally reached the lab, Kyle ignored the creepiness as best he could.

Stan moved past him, "Come on," he muttered, walking up the steps to the front door. The four gathered around in front the front door while Stan knocked. They waited a few minutes, but no reply came from inside.

"Oh goddamnit, we didn't come all this way for that fucker to be out getting pizza or something. Kyle, ring the bell." Stan slammed his fists into the door, pounding at it repeatedly while Kyle frantically rang the doorbell.

After a few minutes, the door opened.

"I kept saying to hold on a minute! Hadn't showered all day, and now this… Damn kids, what do you want?" the door was thoroughly yanked open and the person stood there with an irritated expression. Dr. Mephesto was not in a good mood at all, and he looked kinda shitty. His clothes were shabby and his eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep. Dirt and dried sweat stained his pits and darkened his usually sterile bandana worn underneath his hat, which was slightly lopped to the left side. He was holding his standard cane, the handle of which was crafted like an ass itself. Hiding slightly behind the good and crazy doctor was his assistant little monkey thing that dressed like just like the man.

"Oh its you children." Mephesto seemed genuinely surprised to see them, " Sorry about that, I didn't think I'd receive curious visitors just yet. The story only went on air about an hour ago. How can I help you?"

"Yeah, hey," Stan started off, "We were bored and had nothing better to do, so just show us your science stuff."

"Certainly, come right in." Mephesto gestured for them to enter his home. "Why is the Cartman child following you all like that?" Mephesto quirked an eyebrow as he saw Cartman stalking them from behind a pile of snow.

"Don't worry about him, he was never right in the head to begin with," Kyle said, to which the other three boys laughed.

"Well, he's alright by my book," Mephesto said, gesturing for Cartman to come out of the cold. "After all, he inspired my latest genetic breakthrough."

"So what is it?" Kenny asked, looking around the dark and creepy place.

"You guys will just have to wait and find out," Cartman spoke while strolling inside from the snowfall like he owned the place. His face was red and breathing was labored.

"Jesus, Cartman, don't have the baby on the man's floor." Kyle laughed at the fat boy's expense.

"Yeah, at least wait until you're back home if you've gotta take a crap," Kenny joined in, all four laughing at Cartman, who was now gritting his teeth in anger.

"You know, if I didn't know what I helped make was so super sweet, I'd kick all you guys SQUARE IN THE NUTS!" Cartman exclaimed, then turned to Mephesto. "To the laboratory, Herr Doctor!"

"Huh?" Mephesto had spaced out, thinking only of his own genius and recent success after so many failures, "Oh yes. Please, follow me into the lab."

The inside of the laboratory was just as they remembered it. Many animals with many asses, some animals spliced together in ridiculous combinations, and—

"Wait, that's new." Kyle pointed out as he literally pointed at the large machine which sat next to the cloning bubble.

The large machine was like a supercomputer. It had an enormous keyboard with the left side of the machine having a port, the other side was connected to the large cloning chamber via a giant black tube.

"Whoa, dude. What is it?"

"Ah yes, my latest invention. It helps take the details and descriptions of a creature and manufacture them as though they were nothing more than printed out flyers for a girl's Sweet Sixteen party. A shame it doesn't add asses to the creatures, but oh well…" Mephesto rubbed the giant black tube with affection. "I worked very late into the night yesterday taking pieces and parts from my other projects, but luckily this little marvel of modern technology did all the real work for me."

It was then Mephesto held up tow things he dug out of his opposing pockets. The first was an ordinary hand-held Nintendo system with a Zelda and Link artwork cover. The second made the group's eyes widen while Cartman's smirk only grew.

The second was a gaming cartridge… with the Pokémon title and logo splashed across it.

"Holy shit-balls, dude…!" Stan muttered as Kyle gasped and stepped back.

"Wait a minute, Doctor." Butters stepped forward, "Why, well, does this mean that yo-you've actually made—"

"Yes, I've created life from the combination of these two devices!" Mephesto boosted for all the world to hear, "By housing this smaller contraption inside the larger one like so." Mephesto inserted the game into the double screen gaming system before cutting it on. "I have fused the two into a greater machine. Then by adding it to my own work of genius like so." He then jammed the Nintendo DS into a slot in his own machine. He had to push it a few times— with every shove Cartman winced a little— but he finally got it inside and powered on his machine. On the large computer screen a dark blob appeared before morphing and changing colors rapidly. Stan and the others readily recognized some of the creatures. Ones like Pontya, Wooper, Treecko, and Froslass, but others weren't so familiar to them, but had Butters squealing as he saw ones like Munna, Swanna, and Sylveon.

"And as you can see, it takes the data from the little machine's creatures— their height and weight, their markings, footprints, voice cries, how receptive they are to human interaction— everything I could possibly want in making a new creature and more! I don't even have to do anything but press a few buttons, and behold!"

The black tube expanded as a wad went from the computer to the cloning chamber next to it. The light above the chamber turned from red to green, and beeped several times as the metallic doors slowly opened to reveal glowing red eyes peering out from the smoke the chamber produced.

"Vee!" out hopped an adorable little thing. The little bundle of awesome had brown fur with the tip of its bushy tail and large furry collar being more cream-colored. It had short, slender legs with three small toes and a pink paw pad on each foot. The small creature sat in front of Butters, looking up at the bleach blond haired boy with its brown eyes. Its long pointed ears hung back as it wiggled its small black nose. "Vee! Eevee!"

"HOLY SHITBALLS, DUDE!" Kyle scrambled away from the Pokémon— the real life, _really alive _Pokémon— and hid behind Stan. This startled the small creature, which hid itself from the loud human behind Butters' leg.

"Dude, its an Eevee, come on." Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. He could see if it were a Gyarados or even an Ditto, but really? Kyle was running from something that looked like a prize-winning poodle dog. "Still, Jesus Christ… you actually created Pokémon. Actual living and breathing Pokémon…"

"Hmm… I meant for it to bring forth the large green draconic reptile but oh well. It works none the less."

"I've successful broken through the laws of science-fiction. And now, all those other geneticists at the semi-annual cocktail mixers can suck balls for doubting my genius!" Mephesto cheered himself on as his little monkey thing assistant politely clapped for him and his latest achievement.

"CARTMAN, YOU FUCKING RETARD!" Kyle screamed, once again frightening Eevee and shocking the others. Butters scoped Eevee into his arms while Kyle used Stan as a shield and pushed him over to where Cartman had been evilly gleeful. "You made him make fucking Pokémon? Do you realize the danger you've put the world in letting this multi-ass loving R-tard create and manufacture something so dangerous? If one of those things escapes South Park and the world at large could be destroyed."

"Kahl, get the sand outta your vagina and think about this without being on your period." Stan stepped aside so the two could glare each other down, "Pokémon are awesome and we can train them. So what if a few of them are dangerous? Its not like I couldn't beat them with my sweet battling skills."

"For fuck's sake, Cartman, the man admitted to wanting to make Rayquaza! The giant ass LEGENDARY Pokémon that rampages through cities and makes fucking storms!? Ring any bells in that empty-ass head?!"

"And your point is…?" Cartman asked, which only made Kyle want to punch him in his fat face. So that was exactly what Kyle tried to do.

The key word being that he "tried".

As soon as he saw Kyle lunge at him with his fists balled up, Cartman dove to the side while Stan caught the back of Kyle's shirt to keep him from falling to the floor.

"Take care of the Jew, Little Pot Pie!" Cartman threw the Pokéball and temporarily blinded the others in the room as it opened with a flash of bright white light.

Stan opened his eyes after the spots left his vision. When he did open them up, his jaw dropped at the canine which was bearing its sharp teeth and growling before him.

The beast was a black dog monster with a long orange snout and an orange underbelly. Small red eyes were narrowed and its black nose wriggled as the canine snarled up at Stan. Around its neck was a white band of bone with a small skull-shaped pendant design at the base of its throat. Two more white bone bands were around each of its ankles, as well as three rib-like ridges on its back. The hound had a long, skinny tail with a triangular devil tip and three clawed toes on each paw. On top of its head a pair of long, curved gray horns rested.

Cartman's own "Little Pot Pie" was a Houndoom, and it looked to tear them to shreds.

Kyle once again hid behind him, but Stan wasn't registering that. He looked over at the doctor in the room.

"So that machine… it can make any Pokémon?" Stan asked, already forgetting about the beast that was snipping at his jeans.

"Stan!" Kyle yelped in both apprehension that his best friend was going along with what would be the world's undoing and the fact that the giant Dark and Fire-type mongrel was still looking at him like he was a tender and juicy steak.

"Even fully-evolved ones like mine?" Stan asked without hearing Kyle, so wrapped up in his anticipation was he.

"So long as they're viewable and accessible on your device, then yes." Mephesto nodded.

Kyle would kill Stan if he ever got out of this mess. Stan, Kenny, and Butters had bolted over to the Pokémon machine without so much as a glance back at him. He was currently sweating in fear as the Houndoom snapped its huge teeth at his leg, scaring him until Cartman gave it the order to finally do him in.

"Kyle, catch!" through the air a red and white ball was thrown his way, and seeing it fly at him from Stan's awesome pitch, Kyle caught it and was quick to press the white button on the front. The little ball went from the size of a ping-pong ball to that of a baseball.

"Go… whoever you are!" Kyle threw the ball with a spin, like they did in the anime. After a flash of light, Kyle was covered in shadows as the large thing towered over him.

"BRON-ZONG!" the Bronze Bell Pokémon bellowed out as it was summoned.

"Thanks, asswipe!" Kyle thanked Stan, who waved cheekily while getting Mephesto to crafted more Pokémon for him and the others.

"You're welcome, fag!" Stan shouted back.

"Little Pot Pie, lets roast us up some Jew. Use your Flamethrower attack!" Cartman ordered while Kyle was distracted.

"Ah! Bronze, use Protect!" Kyle hid again behind another living being, but thankfully this one was loyal and slammed itself into the floor so it could use its powers and shield both its master Kyle and itself from the onslaught of flames that poured from Houndoom's mouth.

"Little Pot Pie, Fire Fang!"

"Bronze, use your Giga Impact!"

The two Pokémon did as they were told. Houndoom's mouth lit ablaze as it raced toward Kyle, ready to sear tender flesh and enjoy a chomp. Bronzong's body levitated up from the ground and with full intention on protecting its Trainer from the beast. As it flew at the roguish dark Pokémon, Bronzong became surrounded by spiraling orange streaks just before it was aflame with an energy sphere of purple energy. The two powerful and fully-evolved Pokémon slammed into one another with great force, causing a small explosion of power.

"Gah!" Cartman covered his eyes and face from the battle. Kyle, however, ran over to where Stan and the others were.

When the smoke cleared from the collision, it showed that both Pokémon utterly unconscious.

* * *

"They did very well for newly born creatures. And they displayed amazing abilities. I mean, one of them blew fire! This is the scientific find of the century!" Mephesto could see the Nobel Prizes lining up.

"These are for you, Kyle." Stan told his friend,, handing him five other tiny Pokéballs. Kyle quickly stuffed them into his pocket.

"God-dammit, get up!" Cartman kicked at the Dark Pokémon several times, but not once did it stir from its fainted position. "Worthless piece of crap…" he muttered while recalling the Houndoom to its Pokéball.

"Dr. Mephesto," Kyle called him, "how did you even make these Pokéballs? That would require converting 3D into 4D while retaining third dimensional shape and three-dimensional environment inside each ball. That means the creation of the world's first fully functional geometric tesseract!"

Mephesto shrugged, "I don't know. Some science mumbo-jumbo and a lot Google."

"I prefer Bing," Kenny chimed in with a cheeky smile.

"I prefer you shutting up," Mephesto muttered, walking over to where Kyle left Bronzong fainted.

"Incredible… its body is made entirely of metal… Its like a living church bell…"

"Bronzong, return." Kyle said, holding up the Pokémon's ball and recalling it with a cast of red light. Mephesto watched the exchange with a critical eye.

"More and more incredible… the creatures are converted into a form of radical energy when summoned from and called back into the transportation spheres. Amazing indeed… these beings will require further study…"

"Oh no!" Kyle raised his hands, "No more Pokémon! The ones you've already brought out are dangerous enough, even more of them running around could be harmful to the ecosystem. Not to mention the local wildlife and human population! You saw it! Some of these damn things _breathe fire_, for Christ's sake!"

"Dude…" Kenny spoke up, "Stop being such a little pussy."

"What?!" Kyle reared back as though slapped.

"Told you guys he always had sand in his vagina…" Cartman muttered as he came over.

"Stan?! Goddamnit, say something!" Kyle looked to Stan for backup. Stan looked torn.

"They are dangerous…" Stan began, making Kyle smile while the others groaned, "but they're Pokémon, dude. I mean, Christ, bears are dangerous, but we can handle them."

"Bears don't fucking breathe fire or shoot fucking energy from their eyes, retard!" Kyle shouted, scaring Eevee once again as it cowered in Butters' arms.

"Yeah, but if we have Pokémon, then the world won't be in trouble. Its not like South Park and the rest of the world aren't already fucked up, Ky."

"Don't call me Ky right now, Stan. Do you even hear yourself or are you too busy jizzing your jeans over fucking Pokémon right now?"

"Kyle, you're overreacting." Stan brought his hands up and placed them gently on Kyle's shoulders, trying to calm his fiery friend. Kyle, however, didn't want anyone to touch him at the moment as he jerked away from Stan.

"No, you're not seeing the big _flaming_ picture here." Kyle grit his teeth over how stupid his best friend could be when there was something awesome happening. Stan almost never stopped to think when he was like this.

"Kyle." Stan tried once more.

"Stan!" the redhead crowed back in a mocking tone.

"Oh geez fellas, don't fight." Butters moved to stand between the two super best friends.

"Kyle, you're right." Butters said, turning first to Kyle with Eevee in his arms, "Pokémon are really a lot of trouble. But, shucks, what isn't in life? South Park has all kinds of kooky mishaps and monsters running around, what's a few more in the mix? I mean, just look at him, Kyle."

Butters held Eevee up to Kyle's face. Kyle flinched back, but still managed to look the little cretin in its brown eyes. Its incredibly soft and innocent brow eyes. Just like puppy eyes…

"I guess the little thing is kinda cute." Butters let Kyle take the Evolution Pokémon into his arms and cuddle it, "Yeah, you're a little cutie, aren't ya?"

"Ee-Vee!" Eevee was no longer scared of the fire-head human, and licked softly at Kyle's cheek.

"See Kyle, Pokémon aren't half bad. And for the ones that wanna go around being big ol' meanies, well… We'll take care of them. Wouldn't we, Eevee?" Butters spoke with gentle determination, a kind which Eevee was more than happy and ready to agree with as it yipped in affirmation.

"… I guess we can see how this turns out…" Kyle muttered while scratching under Eevee's chin. He then shot a quick glare at Stan and Kenny, "But if this turns to hell in a hand basket, we pull the plug. Got it?"

"Sir, yes sir!" the two chorused while giving a stiff salute to the passionate Jew.

* * *

Stan took out one of the Pokéballs he had stuff into his jeans pocket. He pressed the button on one, which made the advanced orb double in size.

"These Pokémon must be really strong," Stan spoke, and it seemed that only Kenny cared what he was saying as Kyle and Butters were busy fawning over Eevee's shiny coat whilst Cartman and Mephesto were scheming some sort of plan by the console of the Pokémon creator-machine.

"Yeah, but Kyle's and Cartman's went down from one direct hit each." Kenny responded, but Stan shook his head.

"They're still new. it's a whole new world. Shit, maybe even _the_ _air_ might be different from the games. After a few days, I'm sure our Pokémon will be unbeatable."

"Hells yeah!" Kenny pumped a fist into the air, "Stan, we could be champions. Just think about it. We have real live Pokémon! Everyone else is gonna be shittin' bricks when they see this!"

"I know, right," Stan couldn't help but smile at the thought of showing up Craig and Clyde by riding on the back of his Rapidash. Him— Stan Marsh, the fair knight of South Park— riding into school on the back of a fucking flaming _unicorn_? Wendy and any other right-minded girl would be all over him.

It was gonna be so freaking awesome!

"The ladies will love us." Kenny said, then made Stan look at how Butters and Kyle cooed over Eevee as it got sleepy, "Just a few minutes of letting girls play with cute little Pokémon like that, and they'll be eating out the palms of our hands!"

Stan and Kenny exchanged a high-five as they're plotting to pick up chicks was in session.

* * *

"Dr. Mephesto," Kyle called out once Eevee was asleep and captured by a Pokéball which Butters took from the bin labeled with the word 'empty', "Do you think you could make us a few Pokédexes next? It would really help us keep track of all our Pokémon and the ones we'll encounter once shit inevitably hit's the proverbial fan."

Mephesto, whose conversation with Cartman had turned into a volatile hissing match, growled at Kyle's request.

"I slave into the night bringing a whole new fucking species of super-animals into existence along with a method of containment, and you want _more_!? Ungrateful little bastards, ALL OF YOU! Especially you," here the geneticist stabbed a finger into Cartman's pudgy shoulder. "That's it, I've had it with all of you! I want my money now, kid. Then get out so I can share my findings with the World Committee and get the fame and recognition I rightfully deserve!"

"World Committee?" Stan echoed in confusion.

"Money?" Kyle growled in fury, turning to Cartman who the others were slowly becoming furious with as well, "You promised him _money_? Money in exchange for unleashing super powered and _untamed_ beasts into an unsuspecting world?! CARTMAN, HAVE YOU _COMPLETELY LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND_?!"

"Uh-Oh, busted…" Cartman muttered, looking around like a cornered animal as the others, even Butters, looked angry with him.

"Eric, that was very wrong. Why, you haven't got any money!" Butters was the least of his problems at the moment.

"Cartman, you fat piece of crap, how are we supposed to pay him for anything like this? How much did you promise him?" Stan, the massive pussy he was, was also very low on the radar.

"I'll hold him down. Mephesto can experiment on him until he's extradited his pay from fatass." Kenny, that poor piece of shit, always willing to sell him out. He seriously hated Kenny.

"Screw that, we're just gonna kick his ass and leave him here. No sense in us playing witness if the police come by with missing person reports. Not that anyone _would_ miss him." Kyle, the dirty no-good Jew. Of course he'd been praying for a moment like this.

"Where's my money, kid?" and the crazy witch doctor Mephesto. Oh, what Cartman wouldn't give to kick the guy in his probable four ass-hanging nut sacks. But for that to work, he'd need a diversion, and—

"That's it!" Cartman moved fast, "Use Smokescreen, Frenchy!"

Cartman dropped the Pokéball like a grenade, and after a bright flash of light, the room slowly went dark as a thick smoke filled the air. It was like the building was on fire with Butters choking on the air and Kenny slamming him down low to the ground.

"Gah— He's g-getting away!" Mephesto cried out, waving his arms uselessly to rid the room of the smoke.

"We'll catch him!" Kenny promised. "Go! One of you bitches use Gust to blow this smoke away." Another bright flash consumed the room, and then a strong wind picked up, shuffling the thick smoke out the open emergency exit to the side of the lab where they had backed Cartman. Hurrying to the door, they saw Cartman with a load of Pokéballs in his arms and a skunk following after him obediently.

"That fatass bastard, he stole a bunch of Pokémon!" Kenny growled while returning a Pokémon to its Pokéball, "Lets get after him!"

"Right, Ken." Butters said as they took off, "Why, Eric's got a heck of a lot of explaining to do for all this trouble he's causing."

"I'm gonna kick his ass when I get my hands on him," Kyle raved while Stan ran in front the others, being the most athletically inclined.

"No time to worry about that now, just keep running. I think Mephesto might kill us in Cartman's place if we don't book it off his property."

"Shit, you're right!" Kyle said, and then broke out in front of Stan, rushing down the mountain path as the others brought up the rear.

"… Well gee, Kyle really must not like science." Butters mumbled, to which Kenny laughed and Stan only gave a weak chuckle as he moved to catch up to his best friend.

"If I ever see those children again, Kevin, it'll be too soon…" Mephesto muttered angrily as he went to get some sleep.

* * *

**Love it? Hate it? Leave a comment below, and let me know! And if you have any ideas for the story like Pokémon, or just general story ideas, then you can either leave them in a PEVIEW or PM. S'all right? S'all right!**

**Bye, Bye!**

**-Traban16**


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